in my composition class this semester every paper is riddled with personal experiences. this was so hard for me to wrap my head around; why did i have to talk about myself? i just wanted to talk about the obvious at-hand course material. why, why, why me? me? really? as if anyone wants to hear about my life...
but, alas, this is a good thing. it's forced me to be honest with myself. now the honesty in my papers is momentous. for the paper i'm currently writing, i'm having to relive my parents' divorce that happened 12 years ago. wow, 12 years...
i've realized most of my childhood is blocked from my own memory. i've realized the long, hard, unfair path i've had to tread while i try to figure out how i can reassemble even a tiny semblance of the family i once had. i've come to realize that will never happen. never, ever. i just have to take what i have and run with it. run hard and fast and try to hoist the kite into the clouds... make the best of what i have, right? a torn family is better than no family.
but having to relive the divorce and put it into A-worthy words is heartbreaking. choking. tearjerking. really, i've cried writing this paper. i've never had to relate the steps i've taken or feelings i've experienced to realize acceptance of all that has happened in my splintered family. my parents don't know, my brothers don't know, my friends don't know, not even my boyfriend knows. Hell, I didn't even know until i began this assignment. but by god my writing professor will know!
so maybe no one wants to hear about my life, but i've discovered that I want to hear about my life. raw and uncensored. the whole "block it out so life is easier to deal with" doesn't work. it's made my life harder. no more pushing half formed thoughts out of my head that i think are "scary" or things i "shouldn't" be thinking about. not to mention that completely blocks off the progression of my spirituality. now i get to sift through my fragmented memories and see how i got here. and figure out where i want to go. the alienation i experienced during my parents’ divorce was overwhelming and inexpressible. ineffable. i no longer want to feel alienated by this. this is the first time in 12 years i've sat down to work some of that shit out of the depths of my head.
difficult. yet refreshing.
like a dark thunderstorm.
and then a rainbow.
Wow. This post is definitely a lump-in-the-throat kinda read. Which is a great thing, impressive that you can face these issues and write about it, and share not only with your professor but later with this community.
ReplyDeleteYou make great points... I've certainly learned that repression takes us nowhere, only surprises and disappointments later on... Blocking memories feels about the same as taking anti-depressants. You may not experience pain or difficulties at the moment when they happen, but later, when you come off these drugs, everything will come rushing back and you'll kick yourself for being back in the battles of years past.... Dunno... Hope that makes sense. But you can always send me a long rant or let it out in front of me. I'll just listen.
It was very difficult to step outside of my habits and look at my life the way I had to for that paper. (By the way, I got a 98% on it- yay!)
ReplyDeleteI completely understand what you mean about the antidepressants. I was on them for a few years shortly following my parents divorce, just as I was entering adolescence. I'm glad I had the sense then to ditch them, even though I didn't have the sense to work through my emotions. Being on antidepressants the whole time would have undoubtedly made the whole experience much more difficult.
I feel like all of this comes back to my pursuit of self-awareness. How could I continue snuffing experiences of my life that have obviously led me to where I am now? It doesn't make sense... I'm still sifting through my fragmented memory, but I can already tell such a difference in the way I interact with my family. I even spoke to my mom about some of this and it's helped both of us tremendously! Keeping things repressed is never a good thing, and I think we're never really alone in the pains of our life. Although it's hard to let people in sometimes, it turns out to benefit both parties.
Thank you for being so kind and loving. You're a truly remarkable person and I'm so happy to have you in my life! xoxo