rays

Summer is truly winding down now. I did some last minute "summer-fun" activities, despite my never-ending homework. I just couldn't pass up the Idaho State Fair, or the Salt Lake Comic Con! That's right, I went! I took my 14-year-old nephew and my boyfriend with me and we had so much fun. We're definitely going next year, too.

What I want to write about today is how surprisingly good I feel about everything in my life right now. That's not an understatement. Of course not everything is ideal, but it's getting pretty damn close. I could be taking better care of myself when it comes to eating and exercising, I could be sleeping a more regular schedule, but I don't feel totally shitty because of it, and I think that's important.

School is fun and rewarding; I'm already learning so much and having a great time doing it. Work isn't a nightmare-- it's not interfering with anything (which I was afraid it would at least serve to overwhelm me), my relationships are great, and I can smell autumn in the air! Soon I'll be in a new space, my own space, and I think I'll be better able to work on my fitness and nutrition when that happens. I will probably sleep more soundly at night, and I will have a decent place to do my school work. It'll be bare at first (we have almost zero furniture...) but doesn't that happen to almost every 20-something year old at some point in their lives?

My point here is, I finally feel like my life is on track. I don't feel stuck. I don't feel stale. I don't feel gloomy. I'm on the threshold of living the vision I've had for my life for the past 2 years. I'm almost there. I'm doing it. I couldn't have done it on my own. My family and boyfriend have been there for me in countless ways and for that I am so incredibly grateful.

I feel like the sun. Bright, warm, and strong.

source

Happy Back to School!

Well, it took me a couple of years but I'm finally back in school! My 14 credit online semester starts today. I'm excited, and a little nervous, and very determined to do well! I know that my life is about to change (again) and I will have to make major adjustments to my schedule and leisure time. I'm still working my regular schedule. I've never worked and gone to school at the same time, so it might be a challenge for me to mold school around work, especially on long work days.. But I'm going to give it my all!

my best friends for the next 4 months

I decided to continue on with my 2 year degree, since most of my credits from Florida transfer easily to 2-year colleges here. I didn't want to risk losing a lot of credits or anything like that. And this way, once I complete my AA I can transfer into any university as a Junior. Which is a huge deal to me. Plus, it's cheaper. Once I'm done with my AA I can start working in my field and have a better job while I'm working on my Bachelor's degree. Overall, I think I have a pretty solid plan for my education. I just don't know where I'll be going to get my 4 year degree. That all depends on what happens while I'm working on the 2 year!

So today is dedicated to being patient and loving with myself, as I take the first steps to a different life (I actually sat down and meditated for a few minutes this morning. I have a hunch that practice will help tremendously); getting organized/making sure I have all of my supplies; planning out a new schedule and routine as best I can; drinking lots of water and taking deep breaths!

Wish me luck!

BRETTSDOTTER

I spent Father's Day with my dad. It seems like an obvious thing to do but this was big for me since I don't remember the last father's day I spent with him. I'm so happy that I had the opportunity to do so this year. I love my dad; he believes in me more than anyone in the world and he's one of the nicest, most funny guys I've ever met. We had a relaxed, lazy day. We browsed magazines, talked fitness and food, and exchanged funny stories. We also talked about some serious life topics.

Somehow I knew we'd talk about those things. I think maybe I've been especially tuned into the Universe lately, who knows. But for the past month or so I've been feeling like I needed to prepare for something. I felt like it was high time I kick it into high gear and get serious. What "it" was I didn't know until I talked to my dad on Sunday afternoon.

You see, my dad is a plotter. He taught me how to set goals and manage time and money from a very young age. He's always striving for the next, greatest thing in life, and he passed that on to me. Most recently, he's worked out a way to help me achieve one of my highest goals in the next year! I was floored when he told me what he's been thinking. He loaded me up with resources and ideas on Sunday and told me to start practicing my passion again, this time with the intention of never letting it wane again and only letting it grow. I don't know where I'd be without my dad. He's always there for me in the ways that matter the most. He's the greatest blessing in my life. And because of him I get to start the most exciting part of my journey faster than I thought!

cold toes

Today is beautiful. The sun is warm and the air is fresh and crisp.

My good friend was on vacation for a little while and today we met at the coffeehouse I used to work at. She brought me back some really pretty sea shells and coral that I might try to work into a painting or a picture frame, or something. They're so cute that I have to create something pretty with them! I also saw my old boss today, and that was nice. She's such a nice lady and I'm glad her coffeehouse is still successful. I think they have the biggest assortment of teas in the city and I'm very, very grateful for that.

So, readjusting is taking some time. I'm mostly settled into my new room, I've been spending a lot of time with my family, and I hang out with my friend whenever our schedules match up. But it is really nice to be in a place where I feel comfortable. The air is different here; it's not dirty or stinky, it feels fresh and clean against my skin. I know this transition is probably going to last for a while, but the beautiful season helps cushion it. It was great to sip a warm drink and catch up with my friend while feeling the cool air. It's so reassuring to me. Although I don't know what's going to happen next, or even where I'll be in a few months, it's nice to know that right now I can relax and enjoy my time, with no pressure to do anything.

ineffable

in my composition class this semester every paper is riddled with personal experiences. this was so hard for me to wrap my head around; why did i have to talk about myself? i just wanted to talk about the obvious at-hand course material. why, why, why me? me? really? as if anyone wants to hear about my life...

but, alas, this is a good thing. it's forced me to be honest with myself. now the honesty in my papers is momentous. for the paper i'm currently writing, i'm having to relive my parents' divorce that happened 12 years ago. wow, 12 years...

i've realized most of my childhood is blocked from my own memory. i've realized the long, hard, unfair path i've had to tread while i try to figure out how i can reassemble even a tiny semblance of the family i once had. i've come to realize that will never happen. never, ever. i just have to take what i have and run with it. run hard and fast and try to hoist the kite into the clouds... make the best of what i have, right? a torn family is better than no family.

but having to relive the divorce and put it into A-worthy words is heartbreaking. choking. tearjerking. really, i've cried writing this paper. i've never had to relate the steps i've taken or feelings i've experienced to realize acceptance of all that has happened in my splintered family. my parents don't know, my brothers don't know, my friends don't know, not even my boyfriend knows. Hell, I didn't even know until i began this assignment. but by god my writing professor will know!

so maybe no one wants to hear about my life, but i've discovered that I want to hear about my life. raw and uncensored. the whole "block it out so life is easier to deal with" doesn't work. it's made my life harder. no more pushing half formed thoughts out of my head that i think are "scary" or things i "shouldn't" be thinking about. not to mention that completely blocks off the progression of my spirituality.  now i get to sift through my fragmented memories and see how i got here. and figure out where i want to go. the alienation i experienced during my parents’ divorce was overwhelming and inexpressible. ineffable. i no longer want to feel alienated by this. this is the first time in 12 years i've sat down to work some of that shit out of the depths of my head.

difficult. yet refreshing.

like a dark thunderstorm.

and then a rainbow.