lavender salts

It's no secret I've been absent from the blog-sphere lately. Maybe I'll write a post about everything that's been happening to me. Maybe I won't and I'll just keep putting one foot in front of the other and pick up where I left off. But I do promise to do more worthwhile things, and that will lead to more blog posts!

I decided to take a bath with some lavender salts today. I ran the water as hot as I could. My shoulders and hips have been tense and I knew a steaming bath would melt some of that away. And it was there that I had an interesting experience with duality; the opposing, complimenting forces that define and drive life. This is how it happened: The water was hot, steaming. I was drinking a cup of hot tea. At first, I felt wonderful. My hips relaxed, my shoulders relaxed, the warm liquid passing from my mouth to my belly relaxed me. After some time, I started to feel a little panicky. [Note to self: next time when sipping hot tea in a hot bath, take drinking water]. I felt uncomfortable and decided to run some cold water. COLD water. Sitting in the hot bath with a cold flow sent a rush through my body. I let my legs cool off, then I sat with my back to the stream and let my back and hips enjoy the revitalizing flow. At first I was hesitant to try that, I thought my body would go into some kind of shock and I'd regret running the cold water. But I was wrong. The hot water melted my tensions, washed them away. The cold water took me to a place of clarity and strength.

And I realized that the challenge I'm experiencing is just a manifestation of the duality of life. Hot and cold. Sun and moon. Summer and winter. Everything about life is a process and a cycle. What I'm experiencing is no different. No matter what happens next, I need to stay balanced. I know this hard time will end and the cycle will lead me to a place of happiness and peace.

Source

reading to recover

I've been in bed all day long because I caught a cold, or something. It's terrible. I don't remember the last time I was sick. Really, it's been years. I had forgotten that my body aches when I'm sick, I get a nasty taste in my mouth, I can't hardly do anything because my balloonish head starts to swim, I get cold then hot, and I suffer bouts of "mindlessness" where my thoughts just sort of drift away to somewhere, thinking about something, and have nothing to do with what's happening that moment. It's sort of annoying.
This is bad timing for me to get sick. I'm on the final leg of my summer semester, 3 weeks to go. Needless to say I have a mountain on homework. I'm glad I worked hard yesterday because I won't be able to accomplish what I had planned for today. Oh well, I'll survive. I'd rather take a day to get better instead of pushing myself and prolonging my recovery. I did manage to do some homework this morning, so that feels good on my conscious. What doesn't feel good on my conscious are the 7 daunting tests I need to take in the next 2 weeks. What the hell, right? BUT! I can see the finish line. That also feels good on my conscious.
I think for the rest of the day I'll indulge in some leisurely reading. The really cool thing about that is I have a huge selection to pick from right now! So I can switch genres if my sickly mind wanders too much. I'm usually always reading more than one book at a time-- currently I'm reading 5. Half of them are graphic novels/manga I've been following. Then I have some poetry, fiction, and books on meditation and yoga. In fact, I really need to get reading because I'm borrowing a ton of books from my friend. She feeds my addiction to written works, haha. I love having a former Lit major as a best friend; conversations never run dry with her!

what i'm working with

It's times like this I'm very, very grateful for the friends in my life. Although I can't physically be with them while I'm sick I know they're with me in spirit. Her loving willingness to let me borrow however many books whenever I please eases the loneliness I feel from living across town from her and our intimate circle of friends. The love of books we share creates a support system that flourishes even when we don't talk for a few days (like right now for example; my dear friend is occupying herself in the Appalachians. Lucky girl!). Sharing and discussing books provide little windows to our souls and helps us stay connected. I'm so thankful I have someone in my life to share this bond with. It's something that has been inside of me since I was a small child and my book-wormish father taught me the wonder of words.
So on this day of utter solitude and ill-health I'll extend my gratitude of magnificent friendships and the bonds in life that are unbreakable. It's a wonderful thing to focus our daily thoughts and actions on a central idea, such as gratitude. Even if you can't express it directly to the person in your heart, the thoughts you release into the universe find their intended target. And for me, that's comforting.

ineffable

in my composition class this semester every paper is riddled with personal experiences. this was so hard for me to wrap my head around; why did i have to talk about myself? i just wanted to talk about the obvious at-hand course material. why, why, why me? me? really? as if anyone wants to hear about my life...

but, alas, this is a good thing. it's forced me to be honest with myself. now the honesty in my papers is momentous. for the paper i'm currently writing, i'm having to relive my parents' divorce that happened 12 years ago. wow, 12 years...

i've realized most of my childhood is blocked from my own memory. i've realized the long, hard, unfair path i've had to tread while i try to figure out how i can reassemble even a tiny semblance of the family i once had. i've come to realize that will never happen. never, ever. i just have to take what i have and run with it. run hard and fast and try to hoist the kite into the clouds... make the best of what i have, right? a torn family is better than no family.

but having to relive the divorce and put it into A-worthy words is heartbreaking. choking. tearjerking. really, i've cried writing this paper. i've never had to relate the steps i've taken or feelings i've experienced to realize acceptance of all that has happened in my splintered family. my parents don't know, my brothers don't know, my friends don't know, not even my boyfriend knows. Hell, I didn't even know until i began this assignment. but by god my writing professor will know!

so maybe no one wants to hear about my life, but i've discovered that I want to hear about my life. raw and uncensored. the whole "block it out so life is easier to deal with" doesn't work. it's made my life harder. no more pushing half formed thoughts out of my head that i think are "scary" or things i "shouldn't" be thinking about. not to mention that completely blocks off the progression of my spirituality.  now i get to sift through my fragmented memories and see how i got here. and figure out where i want to go. the alienation i experienced during my parents’ divorce was overwhelming and inexpressible. ineffable. i no longer want to feel alienated by this. this is the first time in 12 years i've sat down to work some of that shit out of the depths of my head.

difficult. yet refreshing.

like a dark thunderstorm.

and then a rainbow.

Prefatory

I'm a product of 20th century, consumerist-America. I grew up in suburban areas, never learning to grow a single tomato, or produce anything of use. Growing up, things weren't mended in my house; we did without or they were replaced. I had a typical childhood, and probably would have been content to keep leading the gluttonous life of material possessions surrounding me had it not been for one thing: my exposure to a third world country (along with its struggles and glories) at a young age.
My mother hails from Costa Rica; land of rich soil, green embraced mountains, and serene landscapes. I had to opportunity to live some short years of my young life there, and was exposed to the "simple life" by my grandfather. Now, this man grew up in rural Costa Rica without the luxuries taken for granted in this country. He tilled his lands with a horse and plow, he built his house, he crossed raging river rapids, he searched in the country for medicinal plants for days, he did it all. My grandfather worked hard for everything he has. (Which isn't a little either: one small house in the city, two country properties, acres of virgin land, vegetables, rice, beans, cows...) The man never learned to drive ("What's the need?" he'd say), and still chooses to walk the three miles to the post office at the ripe age of 76! He's my living proof that a life lived outside is infinitely more rewarding and healthy than trying to attain the latest fashions.
He planted a seed in me at a young age. It lay germinating for years... To my surprise, tender cotyledons appeared as I realized this rat-race, fast-paced, two-faced life isn't for me. I'd rather take the earth between my hands and cultivate my own survival. As such, I'm moving toward a more sustainable lifestyle (and eventually, a wholly self-sufficient one). I'm moving toward what so many have turned away from in recent decades: a connection to the earth that grants us beautiful breath.
Which brings me to the purpose behind this blog! First, it's a commitment to the earth: to lead a life with little impact; seeking out alternatives to the norm and adopting them into my life; spreading what I've learned and discovered with as many people as I can reach. Secondly, it's a commitment to myself: to pursue a holistic spirituality of my mind, body and spirit, centering around the earth and her laws; to honor the life my grandfather lives and loves, and the teachings he tried so hard to pass on to his grandchildren; to feed and expand my interests and goals; to develop my writing.
In short, this is an experiment. Most of what will be posted in this blog will be first-time attempts at the alternatives; as well as my meditations on life, love, humanity, my spiritual growth. Keep in mind, I'm no expert-- most of the projects will be realized through trial and error. I'll write and share what I do in my daily life to make a difference in trying to preserve what remains of the earth, and preserve the habits of man that brought us to this point (which were so quickly tossed aside and lost, I might add!). This is my catalyst for change, my reminder of where I'm going and what I'm trying to do.
Comments and suggestions are always welcome, I'd love to hear feedback!

peace&love